be ferocious, she said.

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Ferocious Be ferocious she said. Ferocious I thought. Hmmm. What does that mean? It sounds like fire. Girl on fire. My buns are on fire, that’s for sure. My Barre class teacher is so mean. She yells at us, tells us not to give up, keep going she says. “We all feel the pain, you’re not alone.” I love her. “This isn’t the chatty class,” she snaps between positions. I feel like puking, I hate her. Why am I smiling? She doesn’t say things like “listen to your body, adjust as necessary.” Nope, this chick is ferocious. I want to be tough like her. Inspiration I can’t wait until class is over so I can go write about being ferocious. Sometimes I get lucky and inspiration moves through my hands as my fingers make love to the keyboard. My brain stays off, my heart is raw and vulnerable. I feel […]

breaking the cycle

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Sometimes I am so proud of myself in those ‘mom win’ moments and sometimes I just really suck as a mom, but mostly it all blurs together, like tonight. However, I know for a fact that my daughter is getting so much more love than I had as a baby that perhaps she won’t grow up being fucked-up like me, and that’s comforting. Hulk Hogan I could tell my daughter didn’t sleep today at daycare, er, I mean school. School sounds more fun so that’s what we call it. It was a long day for me and I could tell it had been a long day for her too. She was at school almost 8 hours and so ready to see me by the time I picked her up. The sweet daycare ladies always say that she has napped for an hour but it’s quite obvious to us around 5 o’clock […]

Unicorn Breakfast

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Look how cute these pretty little bagels are! They make me so happy! But I should get one thing straight real quick, I am NOT a Pinterest mom. You know when you see those perfect things on Pinterest and then you see the actual photo of real life? Yeah, I AM the real life photo. My craft projects and snacks are the laughable after-photos you see compared next to the perfect mom-jobs. Please don’t think I’m fancy here, I got one thing right. ONE THING! I don’t make cool things for my kid to be a cool mom, I do it to take up an hour of our day. I’m a clock watching mom. 3 more hours to nap time…. So let’s lay down the groundwork. What am I drinking? My second pot of Bialleti Italian espresso. Don’t judge…. its mom fuel.   We are listening to Unicorn Radio on […]

let’s make some mom balls!

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My favorite snacks are mom balls, you probably know them by the name raw balls. They are easy to make, a quick pick-me-up, lasts for over a week in fridge and the kid eats them! I can also toss in any extra shit I have for a different flavor. What makes me a ball expert? When my kid was 6 months old I signed us up for a ‘mommy and me’ class. After class I would stop by the local ‘Juice Bar’ to get a green drink and a raw ball. Knowing my kid was about to fall asleep in the car this was my Wednesday lunch and I always devoured those balls. It became my mission to replicate this amazing bite sized treat so I would ask the juice girl about all the secret ingredients. I had a crush on juice girl and had to end my weekly stops […]

I am

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I am a strong and beautiful woman I believe in a magical universe I like the meat on my bones I don’t need a man to complete me I know who I am I know my place in the world I quietly observe society I sometimes laugh obnoxiously I seek adventure and experiences I have had my heart broken I have seen heartbreaking things I adore my female friends who love me unconditionally I don’t need jewelry or expensive clothes to define me I don’t like cat calls and will cat call back at you I prefer kids and old men over my own generation I have great legs and a beautiful smile I sweat, I cry, I cuss I enjoy being alone I love serendipity I know who I am Don’t ask me to be anything else  

the western baby

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30 days of silence  Ah yes, that sweet time after baby comes you float around on a pink cloud. Everything you’ve ever wanted is in your arms. Life finally has meaning and your true purpose has been fulfilled, you’re complete. The days are long but joyous. You go back and forth between eating, cuddling and sleeping. You get to live in your silk pajamas and not wash your hair for days. Darling husband brings you Kona Nigari Water and sliced papaya and then he rubs your feet while you nurse for hours. This new creature is the most magnificent being you’ve ever seen! You’re so happy you made the choice not to allow visitors for the first 30 days. This is your time and you’ll never get it back, every moment is so very precious. Why would you want to share anything on Facebook? Instagram? Those are just for loser […]

momcation, a well deserved 5 day reset

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5 day reset Moms, caregivers, teachers, parents and those who give so much need a momcation, a well deserved 5 day reset, away and off duty. This is NOT medically approved or factual advice but you can quote me and you SHOULD take my advice here. I learned this from my mom and she learned it from her mentor. When asked to go eclipsing, (yes it’s a verb now) and river rafting on the Deschutes River in Oregon for 5 days, I said yes! My husband was able to get a week off work so I could tune into my dirty hippie alter-ego and be one with nature. I knew I was going to miss my daughter so bad it would hurt. I hoped she wouldn’t feel abandoned. No cell service, no FaceTime, no checking in, nada. I’m not a prey to mom guilt but I am a prey to […]

the day I became a real AF mom

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The day I become a real AF mom. The day I became a real af mom was not the day that I found out that I was pregnant. It was not any of the 280 days that followed with bloat, heart burn and bad gas. It was not the day I labored for over 35 hours to give birth only to be pooped on and sucked on. I earned my place in the motherhood club that day for sure.  I also earned the right to roll my eyes at everyone without kids who complained of being tired and I certainly earned the right to laugh really loud at those girls who thought raising babies is the same as raising dogs. Bitch, please. Nor was not the first time blood came gushing out of my daughter’s mouth when she hit her chin on the table and I got to save the […]

prayer to the poop gods

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The day I found out how smart my kid is! It was almost bath time, I was going number 2, my kid was running around in her diaper bothering me. This is the time she wants my attention the most. She tries to pull me off the pot. She wants to climb on me and sit on my lap. My kid is wonderful but has always been lacking in the self-entertainment area. What in the hell do other moms do during this well respected quiet time? Then I realized my shitty predicament. I was all out of toilet paper. Crap. OK. What to do, what to do? -Can she go get a new roll for me? No, too high in the closet. -Maybe I can use her diaper? Shit, she’s got a poopy diaper. -Any tissues in the trash? Nope, I already emptied it. All of my ideas were tanking. […]

one & done

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After that brutal first year you’re finally back in a nice place; you like your spouse again, you get 6+ hours of sleep in a row, and you know which nap will be the longer one. You’re no longer afraid of dropping, squashing, or forgetting your kid. There are no more blowouts or spit ups and it’s ok if you leave the diaper bag because you’re mow a pro. Art, music and tumbling classes are available at 6 months. The first round of vaccines are complete. The critical envelope for high fevers, whopping cough and SIDS is down and the daycare window has opened up. The home team is finally winning, so why do you want to start losing again? Parents tell me that 2 kids are easier than 1 because you don’t have to entertain them, they play with each other. I think, well yeah but now you’re a […]